Tonight
So tonight I'm alone for a while.
I thought I would have time to clean or do something fun, and I do, but I'm still not going to do it hah. So there.
Billy is at a pool tournament right now. He doesn't usually get to go because we usually hang out with his brother(s). I think he's still going to end up seeing Justin, but I have to go to bed early so I can go to class tomorrow (wee).
I had an interesting conversation with Billy last night regarding my age. I know that I'm very successful for my age and, but of course, super mature. But every once in a while I notice that a person will remember exactly how old I am (either by me doing something incredibly naive or just out of the blue) and this odd expression will cross their face. It's happened a few times during the years.. when mentioning this fact to Billy he said the following:
"It's not you they're sad with Babe. They're sad because they wish there were as successful as you and they think they've squandered their youth or wasted their life."
Ouchies.
I fear that one day I will feel the exact opposite. That I didn't squander my youth enough or didn't have enough fun or go out with enough people.
The thing is, I'm not one for partying, drinking heavily, or having fun in general (:P). I get nervous in crowds, I'm shy around people I don't know (unless I've had a couple beers), I get unbelievably annoyed and hateful around drunk idiots (read: Santa Barbara drunks) (read: Isla Vista) (read: ditzy giggly cheerleader blondes and the jocks who want to impress them). It's not for me!
Not that I'm a total unsocialite. I love hanging out with people I cherish.
And don't think I'm just a bookworm at home all the time. I've done a lot of unexpected things from the face I put on in the real world.
I think thats what scares Billy the most right now is that the face I put on now is so so different than when he met me.
When he met me I pretended I didn't care what ANYONE thought. I was super skinny, a firecracker, playful, pushy, childish, and I constantly berated him (isn't it a wonder why he fell for me? :D).
Now, either due to having to depend on myself completely (ie. entire family moved away), forcing myself to conform to the professional world (I'm an accountant), growing up, not being able to dye my hair blue, or gaining wait, I'm not so quick to do any of the things I used to.
It scares him and frankly it scares me some too.
I want nothing else but to dye my hair blue, cut it short, lose 30 lbs, quit my job and live in the Rockies...
But I also want to retire at 40, OWN a nice house (in front of the Rockies), have some kind of a degree, have a steady income I can rely on, be extremely successful professionally, and be comfortably wealthy on my own monies.
It's a double-edge sword.
Both sides are "myself" and also myself forcing "myself" to be something I'm not.
And in closing, there's really only one thing to do when I feel like this, or subpar in general...
...and that's to stare at this picture:
I thought I would have time to clean or do something fun, and I do, but I'm still not going to do it hah. So there.
Billy is at a pool tournament right now. He doesn't usually get to go because we usually hang out with his brother(s). I think he's still going to end up seeing Justin, but I have to go to bed early so I can go to class tomorrow (wee).
I had an interesting conversation with Billy last night regarding my age. I know that I'm very successful for my age and, but of course, super mature. But every once in a while I notice that a person will remember exactly how old I am (either by me doing something incredibly naive or just out of the blue) and this odd expression will cross their face. It's happened a few times during the years.. when mentioning this fact to Billy he said the following:
"It's not you they're sad with Babe. They're sad because they wish there were as successful as you and they think they've squandered their youth or wasted their life."
Ouchies.
I fear that one day I will feel the exact opposite. That I didn't squander my youth enough or didn't have enough fun or go out with enough people.
The thing is, I'm not one for partying, drinking heavily, or having fun in general (:P). I get nervous in crowds, I'm shy around people I don't know (unless I've had a couple beers), I get unbelievably annoyed and hateful around drunk idiots (read: Santa Barbara drunks) (read: Isla Vista) (read: ditzy giggly cheerleader blondes and the jocks who want to impress them). It's not for me!
Not that I'm a total unsocialite. I love hanging out with people I cherish.
And don't think I'm just a bookworm at home all the time. I've done a lot of unexpected things from the face I put on in the real world.
I think thats what scares Billy the most right now is that the face I put on now is so so different than when he met me.
When he met me I pretended I didn't care what ANYONE thought. I was super skinny, a firecracker, playful, pushy, childish, and I constantly berated him (isn't it a wonder why he fell for me? :D).
Now, either due to having to depend on myself completely (ie. entire family moved away), forcing myself to conform to the professional world (I'm an accountant), growing up, not being able to dye my hair blue, or gaining wait, I'm not so quick to do any of the things I used to.
It scares him and frankly it scares me some too.
I want nothing else but to dye my hair blue, cut it short, lose 30 lbs, quit my job and live in the Rockies...
But I also want to retire at 40, OWN a nice house (in front of the Rockies), have some kind of a degree, have a steady income I can rely on, be extremely successful professionally, and be comfortably wealthy on my own monies.
It's a double-edge sword.
Both sides are "myself" and also myself forcing "myself" to be something I'm not.
And in closing, there's really only one thing to do when I feel like this, or subpar in general...
...and that's to stare at this picture:
posted by Marika at 7:39 PM
1 Comments:
I just gotta say that the odd expression you may have seen crossing my face was in fact the way my face looks all the time. It wasn't you at all. But Billy's right.
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